According to Webster, reconciliation is the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.
Doesn’t that sound wonderful?
But then the reality hit me.
I had a conflict hit me! Yep. I was caught off guard when a married couple attacked me at a social event. In front of many people. And what I was accused of was so not true, misrepresenting my life values and me! I felt sucker punched and was literally shaken! I was able to graciously disengage but found myself in turmoil for the rest of the day and on into the next couple days!
Doesn’t reconciliation sound like a good thing to happen?
I spent time with Immanuel in processing the impact on me. I sorted through what got triggered. I even got whiffs of compassion for the couple.
I had a sense of satisfaction in being courageous to set up a time to get together and talk through this ‘interaction’. To reconcile.
And then… I observed this lurking sense of not wanting reconciliation. What is this about? If we supposedly get this sorted out, if they hear how they wronged me, acknowledge it and are genuinely sorry… then we can become friendly.
I don’t want to become friendly! I have no desire for friendship! I do not experience them as people I would want to be around. I do not want to hang out with them!
I want for them to be sad and repentant.
Ugly but true- I do not want to be friends. I want this ‘reconciliation’ to be behind us and for them to go their separate way!
I guess, done if I want to grow in the character traits I like in God, I have some more internal renovation to be!
Yes, there is a place for us to have our preferences of friends.
There is reality that some people are not pleasant to be around.
It would be in authentic to pretend to enjoy people who are unsafe and lean towards being predators.
But I am aware that I could use these realities as justifications for my diminished ability to love well.
I have hurt God so often! I have had much to be sorry for. Much to repent of! And I still might not be very desirable to hang out with. But…
Jesus liked me enough that He would rather go through death than keep me at arms length!
Jesus calls me a friend!
Jesus wants to hang out with me!
It will take some more time with Him, asking Him to help me see the delightful design He wove into them that is still intact -under their malfunctioning.
It will require me to grow in my ability to focus on this rather than live out of my reactive desire to avoid those who may harm me.
It will require more emotional maturity for me to be stronger than my emotions.
It will require more renovation of my heart to truly desire the theological implication of reconciliation.