The Complex Dance of Grace Between All in the Narcissistic Party

Ongoing Healing, Connecting with Immanuel and Developing Emotional Capacity

In the last blog we hopefully grasped more clearly how inept we are at bringing judgement to the narcissist or knowing how to navigate relating with a narcissist. There are too many ‘moving parts’ and puzzle pieces we do not know. And it will not be a ‘one size fits all’ approach for each person who is in the narcissist’s path. We need to intentionally be led by our God as we go forward, focusing on our own healing and growing capacity, which will include some form of joining in the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings.

Let us now look at some of our own unhealthy reactions, Our job is to stay connected with our God and tuned in to His guidance, partnering up in pursuing the narcissist in a manner that increases the chance of deep repentance and restoration. In addition to intentionally being led by our God as to how to go forward, it is important for us to do our own work in developing emotional capacity to stay engaged with the narcissist, which will include our willingness to suffer.

While it is important for us to release our agenda to somehow ‘get back at’ the one who has harmed us into the hand of God who is wise enough to know the best way to bring about justice,  this does not give us an easy answer as to how to now relate with the person.   If a person does not recognize and care about the damage he has brought others, he is not a safe person.  In addition to our needing wisdom as to how to relate with them in ways that might direct them towards repentance, we need help in changing our own ways of relating that kept the unhealthy dance steps going.

Tragically, the narcissist is more about pursuing status, prestige, looking good even looking like a good Christian that cares about the wounded and vulnerable. Unfortunately, the vulnerabilities and weaknesses of others are used against the wounded, or used as steppingstones on which to climb a ladder of status. The presentation can be ‘glittering’ with ‘spirituality’, including the spirituality of a false humility and/or skunk narcissism. It takes discernment from God to see the heart motivation of a person when ‘God’ is seemingly brought into the defensive interactions with a Christian narcissist.

Narcissists typically have a deep-seated defensive commitment to avoid any sense of shame or personal responsibility for their own part in relational struggles. To challenge them is often opening a door to being attacked, threatened or blamed. In childhood it was vital that they do what they could to avoid any whiff of shame, or the agony of their pain and the confusion of what they were/were not guilty of. But in order for them to heal and grow, they must recognize the connections of their upbringing with how they manipulate their worlds at the expense of others. This requires a capacity within them to experience a sense of shame which they do not have, which typically results in their lashing out at others.

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of bad behavior!

It will take considerable emotional capacity to challenge them, due to the repercussions that will follow. It is easier and feels safer to ‘shape shift’ and try to become what they want in an attempt to keep them pacified and calm. At times, it is unwise and dangerous to stay in relationship with them, while also unsafe to try to disengage, upsetting the narcissist who will set out to ‘make you pay.’

Regardless of how much interaction one has with a narcissist, one will need the discerning eyes of God to clarify what might be happening behind a ‘glittering image’. And it will require emotional capacity and stamina.

Rather than going into the topic of developing emotional muscles here, I will refer you to previous blogs I have posted regarding this challenge. I have attempted to make the topic not only understandable, but also practical. The titles of the posts are Developing Emotional Muscles and Practically Increasing Emotional Stamina.

In our Christian circles, the spouses and others wounded by the narcissists are harmed and shamed further by an over- focus on forgiveness and admonitions regarding gossiping and slander. While these are very important principles to integrate into our lives, they are not a ‘black- white, one size fits all’ Christian approach to be taken. It is tragic if they are used to cover over the horrors of narcissism, becoming spiritual abuse. The victims do not feel safe to reach out for needed help. The narcissist does not have loving people pursue them in ways that guide them into truth and love. (An analogy could be the absurdity of people standing on the side lines, using God-sounding principles, cheering those devastated by human trafficking to go up against their captors without support.) Narcissists need to receive from their community a balance of grace while experiencing appropriate confrontation for the way they handle relationships. They need help in untangling the inappropriate toxic shame (that they feel but are determined to not face) from the appropriate shame that can lead them towards healing and appropriate relationships.

Tragically, some people experienced primarily getting messages that who they are is lacking, undesirable, flawed and undesirable. This toxic shame has them come to the conclusion (wrongly) that who they are is shameful and they must live to avoid anyone, including themselves, being aware of this belief. This is quite often the case for those who experienced abuse, neglect and the victimization of narcissists. Out of this wounded place, all of us at times relate in ways that are inappropriate and hurtful. To feel a sense of shame regarding this can lead us to intentionally pursue doing better. It takes us to a confession that leads to repentance. Unfortunately, toxic shame usually leads to self justified defensiveness and a lack of compassion for those whom we hurt. This nudges us further down the continuum of narcissism. Narcissists need others to clearly address their inappropriate and unloving ways with grace, to hear that they are personally not a ‘being’ of shame but the way they are living is not ok. They need clear directives on what would be appropriate in relationships to replace their current non-loving behaviors.

While it is important for us to develop the ability to be protectors of those who are harmed by narcissists, it is also very important for us to be aware that, in relating with a narcissist, we easily can slide into narcissism ourselves. Our tendency will be to insist we are ‘right’ and push them in a bullying sort of way, and then justify ourselves for doing so -defensively becoming martyrs when we receive pushback. We need to intentionally ground ourselves in relationships with God and others who can help infuse compassionate strength into our souls as we step into the lives of narcissists. It will take leaders who have personally worked through their own reactive responses, developed a close connection with the guiding heart of our God, along with emotional capacity to stay on the c=journey with a narcissist.

Strong and loving elders need to be involved in the ‘confrontation’ of the narcissist, rather than just the one who is being harmed in a narcissistic relationship. These elders will need to be personally grounded so that they will be tuned in and directed by the compassionate wisdom of our God who understands their childhoods.

There are many excellent articles to be found on the internet. I have chosen 2 authors. The first is by Jen Grice regarding emotional abuse, which is a narcissistic behavior. The following two articles were written by Dan Neuharth, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in personality disorders. Please look at all three of these articles for the purpose of bringing narcissism further into focus and being better able to identify and work to change the dynamics in our own lives as well as in our communities. We want to know specifically how we were hurt so that we can specifically ring our unique wounds to God for healing.

Shame reduction through understanding is important. Knowing how to appropriately protect ourselves and others is important. But it is not enough. We want it grounded in experiencing God’s devotion to us. Then we go forward out of a confident security in love rather an urgency that can turn us into the bullies we want to stop.

10 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship: Jen Grice

1. Uses threats and coercion to manipulate. Emotional blackmail is a manipulation tactic where someone uses phrases that they know will cause an emotional response in order to get their way or to keep themselves at the center of all of the attention. Making threats that he or she is “going to kill himself/herself” when you want to be alone or do something for yourself is abusive. They are using this phrase, not because they’re seriously suicidal, but because they know you’ll turn your focus back to him/her, feeling the need to help keep him/her alive and show you care. We should always take threats for suicide seriously unless we know it’s just a threat from an emotional abuser. Another common manipulative phrase is, “(s)he’s going to leave you, divorce you, and take your children, leaving you with nothing,” each time you have a disagreement. (S)he throws the word divorce, or similar phrases meaning the same thing, around like it’s no big deal. But really it destroys the security of your relationship. (S)he often has no way or desire to carry out these threats but (s)he uses them because they succeed at giving him/her what (s)he wants: power and control. Lastly, (s)he may even use verses from the Bible to get his/her way. was not written as a weapon to coerce the other spouse. Using the Bible in such a way is sexual and emotional abuse, as well as manipulation.
2. Uses intimidation to control. When you know you can’t say no because you see the looks and gestures. When you fear anger or punishment for whatever you say or do. When you feel scared, like you’re walking on eggshells not to upset him/her most of the time, you might be dealing with emotional abuse. (S)he doesn’t have to use physical abuse because intimidation is working to control you. His/her unspoken threats of punishment and violence are enough. Need some more warning signs? When you make decisions based on what would make your partner happy. When you stop working, stop participating in things you love to do, or getting your education because of someone else’s unhappiness with what you’re doing to better yourself, that’s a huge red flag that you’re not an equal partner in the relationship. You’re being controlled and emotionally abused.
3. Blaming or making you responsible for his problems. Do you feel like it’s your job to take care of everything? When your partner has a problem (not related to you) or is angry with someone else, do you feel you get brought in the middle of the entire situation, to fix everything and make him/her happy. Does (s) he make you do illegal things or cover for his/her illegal or immoral behavior? When your entire family is mad at your partner and you’re supposed to tell them (s)he’s not that bad. When (s)he screams at the kids, it’s your job to tell them (s)he didn’t really mean it and that mommy/daddy is sorry. Or when (s)he blames you because his/her life is a mess and expects you to make it better. These are your red flags. It’s not your job to make someone else happy, fix their problems, cover their sins, or make their life easier. Each of us is responsible for our own loads, our own conduct, and our own feelings. But an emotional abuser tries to make you responsible so (s)he doesn’t have to be. Then (s)he may blame you for not fixing things how (s)he wanted them fixed. “For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” – NLT
4. Using the children and male privilege. An emotional abuser often wants to be the center of your life, even before God. They expect your world to revolve around them and often expect to be worshipped. When children come along and they see you caring for them, as you once did them, they may become very jealous of that bond. They may say things like, “you love them more than you love me” to make you feel guilty for caring for and loving your children. Once the kids are older, they will say things to them or to you in front of them to cause division between your children and you. (S)he will treat you with disrespect, which teaches the children how you should be treated. An example might be keeping secrets while going against your wishes just to make themselves the fun parent while you’re the mean one. There’s never a united parenting plan and children are often placed in the middle, used to relay messages, treated differently by both parents, and used as pawns to keep her under his control. When the man is the abuser, he may even say, “I’m the head of the household,” to excuse his abusive behaviors and need for power and control. He expects her to be the servant while he’s the master of the castle with all the privilege – defining the roles. This is what often leads abuse victims to escape. We often assume that children are never involved in an abusive marriage, and that he’s a good father besides the abuse, but that’s not true. A child witnessing this is learning how men act and how women are to be treated. A child, who grows up in this type of environment, is at risk for repeating the patterns in his or her own marriage.
5. Controlling all the household money. If you have to beg for money, if money is hidden from you, or money is spent on illegal or immoral acts but there is nothing you can do about it, you may be dealing with financial abuse, for which the main purpose is to hurt you emotionally. Someone who is cruel to allow you and your children to go hungry or without your basic needs being met is an abuser. When (s)he doesn’t feel bad about making you beg for money or stand in the food bank line to eat, while (s)he’s well fed. When (s)he abandons you and then refuses to pay the bills (s)he’s always paid. When (s)he doesn’t pay child support unless (s)he’s forced. Lying about and hiding money to keep you from getting any of it (when you’ve always been trustworthy with money), are all forms of financial abuse. “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” – NIV
6. Sabotages other relationships and decides who you spend time with and who you talk to. Remember, if the goal of emotional abuse is to have power and control over you, an abuser doesn’t want you to have a support system of people who love you, who you love more than you do him/her, or who may help you escape his/her control. (S)he often seeks to be the center of attention so if you have other relationships, better relationships even with your children, then (s)he wants to ruin them. (S)he may do what we call triangulate – which means to tell two different people, two different stories about the other person – to cause a problem in that relationship. For example, in the case of a male abuser, he may tell his mother you don’t like her while telling you that she doesn’t like you. Now you and his mother are no longer friends because he’s lied to both of you and neither of you are talking. He’s now gained all of the control and he’s in the center of it all. He’ll move her away from her support system. He’ll limit her outside involvement with other people, friends, and church. He’ll tell her that talking to her friends is hurting their relationship. And he’ll use jealousy and say he’s neglected to justify his actions. I’m not talking about him advising you about unhealthy relationships and having boundaries. I mean when someone purposely ruins healthy relationships that were helping you getting the support you need to see unhealthy, abusive behaviors for what they are.
7. Prevents you from working or attending school to better yourself. An abuser doesn’t want you to get an education, make more money, or become a better or smarter person. (S)he will either vocally say that you can’t work or go to school. Or (s)he’ll deliberately sabotage your efforts. Covert sabotage happens when you’re trying to get an education or work but his/her needs or wants have to come first. (S)he won’t allow you time away from him to work on projects. (S)he might show up at your job, which could get you fired. (S)he might use guilt to make you feel bad for working or going to school so you’ll want to quit. Whatever (s)he needs to do to turn your focus away from working or going to school and back onto him/her. In healthy relationships, both partners make sacrifices while one partner is doing what is best for them – self-care, educational goals, career goals, and more. Emotional abusers like to control when, if ever, you do something for yourself. His/her goal is often to keep you trapped in the relationship and always putting him/her first and yourself last.
8. Verbal attacks, insults, demeaning or degrading words or actions. Raising your voice and yelling is not emotional abuse since all of us yell at some point. Having feelings and emotions, especially about how someone is hurting you, expressing them forcefully, or being angry is not emotional abuse. Screaming inches from someone’s face in a fit of rage, using profanity and insults, especially while you’re crying and asking him/her to stop, is. It’s attacking and demeaning. To demean someone is to be mean, un-concerning, and even cruel. Calling you fat when you’ve put on a few pounds, especially if (s)he knows that extra weight bothers you. Calling you ugly because you haven’t put on makeup today. Saying you’re stupid because you don’t understand something as quickly as (s)he does or because you spelled something incorrectly. Calling you curse words when you have a disagreement and crazy when you have feelings (because all humans do). These are all ways someone demeans you to feel bad about yourself. Most times this makes him/her feel superior to you, which gives him/her the feeling of power. And (s)he’s now been able to control your emotions, too.
9. Blames you for the abuse, calls you the abuser, or gaslights you to believe you’re crazy for thinking you’re being abused. Psychological abuse is the more sinister and hidden form of emotional abuse . These are often covert words or actions that are hard to see and explain. You know something is going on, you know your relationship is dysfunctional, but you can’t quite describe it. Have you tried to share your feelings or a problem you have only to feel like you’re crazy for feeling that way? Or if only you were a better person, not so abusive, there wouldn’t be a problem in the first place? Are you’re made out to be hysterical for even thinking there is an issue to talk about? Every person is entitled to his or her feelings. Each of us should take the time to listen to the feelings of others, even if those feelings have to do with something we’ve done. When conversations seem to go in circles, when you’re blamed, called abusive for having feelings about his actions, and when (s)he tells you your feelings are invalid because (s)he doesn’t understand or any other reason, you could be experiencing emotional abuse. If you feel blamed each time you try to express your feelings or when you address a problem, this might be something worse than a communication problem. Instead, this other person might be trying to control you, your mind, and your feelings.
10. Destroys your property, break things, abuses pets, or threatens to. Often people think that if they are not being punched, kicked, or beaten then they are not experiencing domestic violence. That’s just not true. Violence and abuse include physically harming animals, punching walls, pushing, standing in your way when you’re trying to leave, and all the other points mentioned before this. It is a huge red flag when the abuse is escalating to things getting broken or someone else getting hurt. It’s time to seek help from someone trained to help victims of abuse. Physical violence towards you could be next, especially if you’re trying to escape. His/her anger is not the problem; it’s his/her need for power and control. And no amount of good behavior on your part is going to stop that need. “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.” – NIV Both women and men should stand up against any type of abuse on any human being or animal. If not married, then a marriage should not be planned until we know the abuse will not continue in the future. If married, then seek out professional help via a counselor or even the local domestic violence agency. Their services are not just for women or for those experiencing physical violence. You don’t need a physical bruise to get help from a domestic violence shelter. They know that sometimes the abuser’s first act of violence is his/her last.

For further assistance, in the United States, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 1-800-799-7233. Resources used to write this article: Abuse Defined and The Power and Control Wheel.

Jen Grice is a Christian Divorce Mentor and Empowerment Coach, author of the book,You Can Survive Divorce: Hope, Healing, and Encouragement for Your Journey, a speaker, and a single homeschooling mom.

13 Ways Being Raised by a Narcissist Can Affect You

By Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, that legacy may affect you in multiple ways. The following list contains behaviors common among narcissistic parents. As you read through this list you may wish to identify which of these applied to your childhood:

When you were growing up did one or both of your parents:

▪ Criticize or second-guess your choices?

▪ Ruin happy times with their selfish behavior?

▪ Give you gifts with strings attached?

▪ Forbid you to disagree with them or punish you for doing so?

▪ Use guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first?

▪ Have a come-here/go-away style that was confusing and unsafe?

▪ Behave unpredictably?

▪ Over-scrutinize you?

▪ Create drama, scapegoating and disharmony in your family?

▪ Seem never satisfied with you?

▪ Play the martyr?

▪ Become unhinged by your questions or independence?

▪ Tell you that you could trust them, then disappoint or use you?

▪ Minimize or ridicule your feelings and desires?

▪ Need to be the center of attention or dominate conversations?

▪ Leave you feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless or helpless

Each of these parental behaviors can leave lasting, negative legacies. A key step in moving on from a negative legacy is to recognize any connections between your upbringing and present-day unwanted behaviors.

The following table shows possible connections between unhealthy patterns in your adult life and narcissistic parental behaviors in your childhood.

You may want to initially read down just the left-hand side of the table and identify any of the 13 patterns you experience as an adult. Then, for each pattern you identified, you may wish to go back and read the possible connection from your childhood listed on the right-hand side of the table.

Human behavior is complex and it would be a simplification to say that if your parent did X, you will automatically do Y. But narcissistic parenting is a powerful influence on children and it is important to take stock of your past.

How you coped: As a child, acknowledging the truth about your narcissistic parent when you had little power or resources to do anything about it could have been devastating. As a result, you may have learned to

ignore the dysfunction, acted as if it was normal, blamed yourself for it, or counted the days until you could leave home.

Such coping strategies may have helped you emotionally survive a difficult childhood — and it is important to honor whatever helped you survive in childhood — but those coping strategies may manifest later in life in self-defeating ways like some of the 13 patterns listed in the table above.

As an adult, making connections such as these may bring up emotions such as anger, sadness or dismay. But if you had a difficult upbringing, it does not mean you are irreparably damaged or that your life will always be difficult. None of the 13 patterns are life sentences. Everybody has challenges in life; some of the above tendencies may be your challenges.

In addition, you may have received good things from your upbringing, no matter how dysfunctional your parenting. Even the most narcissistic of parents can contribute positive qualities and gifts to their children. And the adversities of your childhood may have increased your resilience, empathy, awareness and growth.

You are not a victim, nor are you powerless. The opportunity in recognizing unhealthy legacies is to break the connections.

Each time you notice yourself falling into one of the patterns listed above, remind yourself, “This may have been my history but it doesn’t have to be my destiny.”

Then ask yourself empowering questions such as:

▪ What is best way to take care of me and meet my needs in this situation?”

▪ “Is this how I want to treat myself or others?”

▪ “Who do I want to be in the world right now?”

© Copyright 2017 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

The Painful Catch-22 of Caring About a Narcissist

By Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT

This is the dilemma of caring about a narcissist: If you are true to yourself, you lose a narcissist’s approval. If you are true to what the narcissist wants, you lose yourself.

Narcissists are desperate to see themselves reflected in those around them. If you aspire to goals narcissists hold dear, believe what they believe, and act in ways they think are right, they feel validated.

On the other hand, if you hold values or behave in ways opposite to what a narcissist wants, the narcissist feels invalidated and will often rage, sulk, belittle, withdraw or reject you.

Narcissists seek to cultivate sameness. Follow what a narcissist preaches and you are told you will be safe, protected and will avoid rejection and wrath. But if you honor your values and truth, you are often told you are bad, wrong, defiant or weak. Follow your own path, narcissists warn, and you will be abandoned and disliked.

If you uphold what the narcissist wants, you may be accepted, though that acceptance is generally conditional and temporary. And even when you are liked or loved by a narcissist, their love is not based on who you really are. It is based on what a narcissist chooses to see in you.

This dilemma is akin to the words above the entrance to Hell in Dante’s Divine Comedy: “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.”

With a narcissist the Catch-22 is: “Abandon Yourself or Be Abandoned by Me.”

It’s a painful dilemma. If you care about someone with narcissism, it hurts to be repeatedly rejected and abandoned, especially when the rejection comes as a result of honoring yourself. It hurts to know that another person wants you to give up yourself to curry their favor. Being abandoned by a narcissist in ways large and small can bring a deep loneliness.

Yet while it hurts to disagree with a narcissist and have them accuse you of betraying them, it also hurts to betray your own values. That, too, brings a deep loneliness.

Only you can decide which path hurts more; which path has fewer costs and more benefits. That you have to make such a calculation in an important relationship is, in itself, testament to the dysfunctional dynamic inherent in knowing a narcissist.

If you do choose, as William Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true,” here are four steps you can take to being true to yourself in relationships with narcissists:

1) Create a greater context for your dealings with a narcissist

If you must have dealings with destructive narcissists, you don’t have to play their game or accept their rules. Rather than feeling you are battling for survival or just trying to get by, create a broader context for having them in your life.

For example, view dealing with a narcissist as an opportunity for personal growth or as training in how to hold on to yourself in difficult circumstances. Or see it as a learning opportunity to observe firsthand the kinds of behavior you want to avoid.

When you have something at stake that matters to you it can give you a sense of purpose beyond just trying to survive around a narcissist.

2) Focus on process, not content

Narcissists distract and confuse others. When they are confronted or embarrassed they will act out, blame, belittle, bully or otherwise avoid responsibility.

Focus on what they do, not what they say. Their words are often attempting to make you question yourself. Their arguments are generally distractions. If you refute one argument, they will come up with another, and another, and another.

You don’t have to take the bait. When faced with a narcissist who starts ramping up his or her array of defensive and offensive tactics, remind yourself: “They are most likely trying to evade responsibility.” This gives you the opportunity to keep your eye on bigger issues, such as taking a stand for what is right or for individual responsibility and accountability.

3) Make friends with your feelings and desires

Narcissists are often uncomfortable with others’ emotions. While they give themselves lots of permission to express and pursue their feelings, they tend to shame and block others from expressing emotions.

This unfair and destructive double standard isn’t healthy. Let yourself have all your feelings and desires.

Check in from time to time and notice what you might be feeling or desiring. Then tell yourself, “All my feelings belong. Feelings aren’t logical. I don’t need to justify my feelings with reasons. Feelings just are.”

Emotions are messages from different aspects of yourself. They just want to be heard. You don’t have to necessarily act on them.

4) Concentrate on intrinsic not extrinsic rewards

Narcissists fear looking inward so they focus on external rewards such as material possessions, status, attention, power and approval. While these have their place, our most authentic motivations tend to be intrinsic.

Intrinsic rewards and motivations include qualities such as self-awareness, self-acceptance, love, being who you really are, having a vision for your life, contributing to the greater good, spirituality and intimacy.

Narcissists may judge you only on how well you play their game of accumulating extrinsic rewards. Don’t do the same to yourself.

When you have a dilemma or feel stuck around a narcissist, ask yourself what your deepest internal motivations and values are, and proceed from there.

© Copyright 2017 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

In my next blog, I will continue to bring into focus what our goals, as individuals and as a community, need to be as we pursue healing and wholeness. I will again attempt to offer some practical ideas as to how to ‘put flesh’ on the theory of goal setting. Please join me in my upcoming blog.